Day 5

What do you need to give yourself permission to feel?  What hurts are waiting to be seen?

Dare- sit in the dark alone for 30 minutes tonight.

Oh, this could be pretty interesting if I choose to be honest with you.  Sitting in the dark alone would be totally easy for me.  I would just go sit in my garden and look at the sky.  And that would not be hard for me. 

It would not be appropriate for me to write my honest thoughts.  I have been painfully honest with God.

The truth is I give myself permission to feel.  I’m not one to hold on to pain.  I’ve felt like a punching bag emotionally for the past two years.  It came from two sides.  I have teenagers.  I will not go into details, but as they experience the turmoil of growing up, I feel like I’ve been taken on a very hard rollercoaster ride.  I wish I had a skin made of Teflon.  But I’m human and I bleed.  I’m trying to learn to get off their rollercoaster.  I love them, but I don’t have to ride this emotional ride to love them. 

My church has gone through conflict.  I’m grateful we are in a process of recovery. We have come a long way forward.  It is like spring, and there is new growth.  It is good.    I just feel like the victim of other people’s conflict.   I tried not to take sides.  But it seemed like there was a flood, and it damaged me all the same.   I’ve lost friends.  And honestly, I’ve worked hard to forgive. A book that helped me a lot was “let it go” by TD Jakes.   But the emotion that remains is sadness.  I feel an awful sadness at the loss.  I love my old friends.  I still do.  And honestly, I just want to cry about the loss I feel.

 What do you need to give yourself permission to feel?  This is an interesting question.  I do not believe it is good to stuff your emotions.  But I also know this, we should not walk by emotions.  We should do what is right, eventually, the emotions will follow.  When there is a 100-year flood you do not get angry and point a finger of blame.  No, you pick up a mop and bucket.  You clean up and start building. All the rest becomes water under the bridge. That is what it all needs to be, water under the bridge.